Sometimes, You Just Can’t Fit In.


It’s true, there will be times when you feel you’re not on top of the world, and that so and so are doing far better than you ever will. In a world that is constantly trying to change you, you have to be either a hero, or a notorious rebel to stay the unique, beautiful self you were meant to be.

Relax, you weren’t meant to fit in, if you cannot.

What people fail to realise is that human beings were all born unique, but given the same five senses. They were given brains to operate their bodies and their lives and their decisions, but no two brains were ever the same. Fact is, you cannot force someone to be a ‘particular way’, just because they aren’t acceptable to you. You cannot, on the other hand, also FORCE someone to like you, and at times like these, you are mostly helpless. You cannot make someone fall in love with you, unless they FIND something amazing about you, that they come to appreciate. You can never make someone hate you completely, unless they themselves choose to do so.

Such is the power of free will, it let’s you do things on your own, and no one is accountable for your choices and decisions other than yourself. That makes one happy, doesn’t it?

Sometimes, the choices you make ARE ALSO AFFECTED by the way others will treat you after those choice you make. For example, a friend may hate you for going to a particular university, after persuading you to join a place where you both could have studied together. That one friend may later on, grow apart, due to your decision to study in a separate university, and will therefore, in retrospect, start making new friends to say ‘I told you so’.

Decisions we make affect the people around us, as much as the people around us affect our choices. Which one do we give more shits about, then?

The answer is simple.

People will never fully love you or understand you, so do what you wanted to do anyway. Even if you rip your heart out of your chest and let the person in front of you chew on it, they would still say, “That’s nice, but next time, try ripping it out properly. You missed a space and that means you’re not fully into giving me all of your heart.”

People are mean, the world is mean. The world will push you down the stairs, and not look back to say sorry. The world will laugh and do it again, until you lose both your legs. The world will still not feel empathy for you, or be sympathetic in it’s nature. The world will devour you, suck your soul and bleed your body dry, until each and every pint of blood in your body has dried out, and it will still say, “Why did you not make more blood in your body? I could have used more of it, you know. Whatever, I’ll make do with so and so’s blood, yours wasn’t good enough.”

It is human nature, because we are not perfect, and do not follow Islam whole-heartedly and completely, that we feel voids within ourselves. I, for one, know that I feel a depression lingering on me, and a void that’s left unfulfilled since ages. Since the very first day I started college, since the very first man I met in my life. Since the very first time I sinned in the pit of love, and found out later that it wasn’t meant to be, and that God would punish me for all the sins I had committed without seeking repentence.

That void makes me feel like nothing is ever enough. I feel all sorts of pains, I am agonized whilst thinking about the past and the tortures and tragedies I have been through. I think about all the people, good and bad, that entered my life, my heart and my soul, and most of those never left. I think about all the experiences I gained, I think about all the exposure I got, and I thank the Lord for all the times HE healed my heart back. However, the void lingers and it never goes, and it makes me feel like I live a separate life amongst people I love, and that they cannot possibly know how dead I feel inside.

Not sure if this is chronic depression or a lingering phase of life, but it makes me feel empty inside.

Because of this emptiness, I don’t try too hard to fit in. I don’t try to make the ‘extra effort’ one makes to keep a job, I cannot make the extra effort to ‘please people’, I cannot make the extra effort to ‘pretend to be happy and laugh all the time’, and I cannot at all pretend to like people I don’t like.

I sometimes don’t understand people who can ‘FAKE IT’ through their entire lives and also be successfully fake. These people are liked by people around also, and they don’t get exhausted being all pretentious too. I know so many women around who would flirt with their bosses, do that extra bit of acting in front of their mothers-in-law, or talk to random strangers just to be the chirpiest one in the room, and be completely baseless in their talks, just because they want to be at the very top. These women, in general, DO get to the very top. They marry the most successful men, have nice houses and big cars, are rich as fuck and shop all day, and don’t have to cook. The ideal life for a married woman is lived by these fake women, whilst women who are original and HAUNTED by the idea of being fake, are left to burn in their own doomsday.

Maybe this world is temporary & a cover-up for the REAL world that we have to go to, and EARTH is a test we are all asked to attempt. For that reason, I try being my original self, and stay away from all sorts of evil. I have stopped myself from gossiping about people who don’t matter to me, I don’t see people and pass judgments on their clothes or their religious beliefs. I ask God to heal my heart from all the wounds, and I ask HIM to give me love for everyone around me, so that I may be able to forgive people, for their lack of interest in understanding me as an individual and as someone who’s just…Different.

There are a lot of things I do wish I hadn’t been through, but at the same time I don’t regret learning my lessons.

I only ask God to forgive me for my sins, and seek His guidance in making decisions in my life. Sometimes, I think I lack the etiquette of talking to elderly people, because I’m outspoken, blunt and completely honest. I developed that quality when a tailor once tried to force my hand up his pants, and make me feel something I didn’t want to, because I was just twelve. I learnt how to stand up for myself when walking out on the road, because the two men on a motorbike felt me from behind while screeching past me in the street outside my house. I learnt to speak up when my driver intentionally touched my pants and pretended it was an accident, because he was trying to change the gear. I learnt to be bold because of the men who came and broke my heart, and weren’t apologetic about it. I learnt to be stern and cold if need be, when my friends would choose and side with their boyfriends on lies they told them, even knowing the truth about the situations they were in. I am not apologetic about the way I am, to anyone. If someone wants to understand me, they’re very welcome. If not, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

It is easy to think all sorts of shit things about other human beings, without once thinking that the habits formed by others reflect some sort of experience they’ve had in their lives. We judge too quick, and we are more intolerant when we assume that the person is not likeable. We choose to hate everything that person does: from their eating to their breathing. If we learn to forgive others and pray to God, and stay away from them (if we don’t like their company), life would be easy and there would be no quarrels whatsoever.

People love quarrels, which is the sad truth about life. They love to see others in pain, they love to pick a fight, and they love to let other people down.

For most people, life is a competition. Who is the best husband, the best wife, the best driver, the best chef, the best daughter or the best son, and who is, overall, just perfect. People seek revenge from each other on the most baseless of things, and revenge from others who are of no harm to them, just because so & so HAD BEEN unjust to them, and so they want to make SOMEONE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE WHOLE SCENARIO feel that same pain, JUST BECAUSE they want to experience the pleasure of ruining someone else’s life, just like theirs had been ruined by THAT XYZ person. Who shitty does that sound? Fact, it’s true. It happens everywhere, but mostly in third-world countries, where majority of the population is still illiterate and haven’t read a book in their lives.

The sad truth of this situation is: the world will keep going on, and time won’t stop for anybody, and if you live according to other people’s rules, you will never be happy and content with the life that you’ve lived.

Stay true to yourself, and do things that you love doing. DO NOT settle for less than you deserve, you will be on your death bed one day, regretting all the things that you didn’t do. You will be blaming NO ONE BUT YOURSELF for the things you weren’t able to make use of, for the talents you under-showcased, for all the good you could’ve done, for all the friends you could’ve visited, for all the love you could have showered, for all the pain you could have taken away. DO NOT, for a moment, think that people will EVER be happy with what you BECOME for them, and that they will ALWAYS ASK FOR MORE, no matter what you do. Such is human nature, man is a thankless creature of God. Do what you please, and be happy with all you have.

Life is short, enjoy it and do big things with your time, focus & energy. That’s it for today folks, I’m feeling like I’m just now on the path to re-discover myself, and I’m only 28 right now. 🙂 Never think you’re too old to get out of a previous life or something that brings you down or makes you unhappy. Do your own thing, be your own person.




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