When you cannot bring your thoughts to rest, in the middle of the night. When the cold night air blows, and you hear it whistling through your windows.
When time comes to a standstill, and your partner lies besides you in bed, not having a worry in the world, slipping into the shadows of the night.
You sit, light up a cigarette, and you think about that small, black void, right in the middle of your chest, that lights up in the dark without anyone knowing.
You think about how to fill it up: by words, by feelings, with love, with lust.
You don’t know what exactly is going to happen to it, whether it will demolish once and for all, whether it will grow and grow old on you, just like your older self: with all the hurt, stress, worries in the world.
With all the wrinkles on your face, that all the makeup in the world won’t be able to fix.
You think about that void, as you light up another cigarette, and the night goes on.
Your partner twists and turns, and you watch that happen as you cherish the only good in your life.
The feeling of someone who loves you in return, the feeling of happiness knowing there’s someone there. Through the worst of you, through all the darkness.
But there’s another ‘place’ deep within you, one that isn’t as unhappy and dull like the black void.
The place I like to call the ‘tunnel of happiness’. It’s smaller in size, yes, but gives you greater feelings than the void: feelings of gratitude, of the little happiness’s in life, of all things good.
Because, what is life in the end? A feeling, just a feeling. Like the energy you have around you, and thus, you become energy once you die.
This feeling of good and bad, side by side, is what makes us human. There isn’t any human in the world who hasn’t had a taste of sorrow, yet it is what makes us all human, and appreciate all the good.
This world will come to a stand still one day, but a lot is to be said and felt till then. I light up another cigarette, and cherish the sorrow, grief, gratitude and blessings.
I look at the cigarette butts and put the ashtray to my side.
Tomorrow’s another day, I say to myself, as I get into bed with the love of my life, and let him breathe into my ear.
“I’ll get through this.”