One of those nights when I feel like eating, writing & being all by myself in front of my heater. Thank goodness for heaters in Pakistani winters. I overheard a man walking beside me on the road saying ‘In Canada, you don’t feel the chills the way you do in Pakistan. I’m always so cold, even though I’ve been living there for so long!’ It’s exactly like that.
Moving on, I feel like I am sad about the current state of affairs in the world. My current state of heart is doing better at the moment (thanks to the amazing fiancé I have been blessed with, Allah I am blessed). However, just heard about the recent shooting of the Russian Ambassador to Turkey and I cannot help but wonder: what bad had he done to go through a death like that, completely out of nowhere? But then I go back in my head and ask this question for the children & people of Syria, and the bloodshed at Aleppo, and cannot help but wonder: will this (late) Russian ambassadors family also think about it this way? Did they ever think about those millions of people dying on a regular basis, or were they too, caught up in their lives just like the rest of us?
Even if they were, doesn’t give anyone the right to take away a life just like that. Maybe he had dreams, ambitions, maybe he wanted to live longer (I mean, who doesn’t?). Maybe he wanted to retire some day and sit back and enjoy his kids living their lives, and maybe he wanted to live the rest of his years with his wife by his side, growing older together.
All that is gone now, because someone wanted to teach Russia a lesson. And what was this innocent man? A vessel, a souvenir of the kind of outburst that has been brought forward, and ofcourse, as always, no one is to be blamed.
I have also started to feel less of everything because of the constantly busy schedule I have, and I have realized that I have body issues. I can’t stop eating, and I can’t stop hating myself for doing that. I look at old pictures and sulk at the once skinny, hot & attention-getter girl I was, and how now, I look old and fatigued. I have even lost the will power to go get my hair or eyebrows done, and I see girls hopping into parlours every other day to get facials and pedicures. I cannot help but wonder, don’t they think this life is temporary? Don’t they too, like me, think of the deeper picture? The things that are more important than looking good? Like, for example, say, feeling good about yourself. Working on yourself, working on your thoughts, your ambitions, working on your character and your personality. Eliminating the negativity, and making the positivity shine through. All of these things take so much of my time, I hardly have time to doll myself up or be ‘worldly’. That’s exactly how I want to describe it.
As I sit here after a packet of noodles have been devoured with some coke and later on a glass of water because my doctor tells me I need to start drinking more of it, I just sit here like an insomniac because it has become difficult for me to fall asleep at a given time. Perhaps it’s winters, perhaps it’s afterthoughts of times gone, times that I’ve been through, or just plain loathing of the physique and face I have.
I can’t really tell for sure, but I really have to clean up my room because there’s hardly any time left till the wedding. I have so much to do, I have so much to look forward to: life has just started but I have a feeling that I’ve already lived it and there’s nothing too exciting in it for me anymore.
Why have I died inside? Is it a curse? What is it? I would really like to know. For now, I just feel that I need to read my books, clean my room, try to quit any bad habits that I have had for long that may have become addictions, and just plain be happy with myself. Maybe I should start working out, but that never happens because I NEVER have time.
I don’t know what it is that people do to keep themselves happy. Sometimes I think being closer to God will help me solve most of my problems, but then I see that I love so many things that I would have to give up if I succumb entirely to it. I love my music, and I don’t want it to go anywhere. It gives me peace, but so does religion. I really miss Junaid Jamshed at times like these, and I really wish him the very best in his afterlife, which I’m sure he’s secured for himself in a great place in Jannah (amen).
I wish for all my ancestors and people that have left me to be in those places too, and I wish everyone lives a happy and healthy life. What joy it gives me, to see people around me, whom I love the most, being happy. My mother, my sister, my brother, my dad, nano and mamoon. All those people I love, I just want them to be plain happy. I hope I can keep the love of my life happy too, since he’s given me so much security and so much blessing by making me a part of his world.
I don’t know what it is I have to do in life, what my purpose is. Sometimes I stay awake at nights, pondering over my fate. I keep thinking and I have always believed that I have a special purpose, and mostly it comes to me in the form of helping people out. I hope I achieve it some day, but I don’t know where and how to start.
I really hope God is out there listening to me, trying to help me figure out my way. I really miss His presence most when I sin, when I engage in activity that He may be upset with me for, but I ask for your forgiveness God, and I know You will forgive me for I will do the things You have sent me in this world to do: help your people.
For now, I think I need to find a solution to stop sulking over my bulging belly and start eating healthy. I need to start loving my face and myself as a whole because it’s time I start realizing: people are dying. People are dying for no reason at all, with unfulfilled dreams. Atleast I have my life and I can still fix things.
Sana Gilani 