I haven’t written anything for a while now. I was busy finding my way in this world, finding new jobs, exploring my options. It was fun trying to meet different people, bosses, answering the same set of questions (with the exception of some coming up with their own original ones different from the ones already put on their lists for years).
I figured out a lot about myself in this time which I spent around various categories of people. By categories I mean to describe them as extroverts and introverts. Ambiverts I wouldn’t really put into the category because I’m still unsure if that exists. I believe extroverts can be introverts at some points in their life, and introverts can be extroverts for a while if it is REALLY needed. However, I do not believe that a person can be both.
Anyhow, getting back to my story. I discovered a lot of different things about myself along my journey to self discovery. This included a little bit of travelling also, mind you. I discovered that I like exploring new places, and the history behind those countries and cities. I like talking to people from different cultures, and finding out about their traditions and what not. However, I don’t like talking to the same set of cliched people with their cliched stories about what they want to get at the mall (the latest collection of whatever everyone is wearing). That is where I start feeling that the person is just wasting their time and mine, as I simply have ZERO interest in ‘worldly’ things.
Don’t get me wrong, I like shopping. I like to look around for weird things and different set of clothes to wear that catches eyes. I do not, however, want to converse about the latest LAWN collection in the market and how amazing it is (even though every LAWN collection seems the same to me). I do not like conversing about how beautiful so and so looks on television and how beautiful so and so is. I like to praise their talent, yes, and if they are doing something different for the community, for humanity, for the world as a whole; heck, I wouldn’t stop talking about it for the whole day.
I love talking about ideas, and how fascinating the world is. I like the discovering and unveiling of things from the past, from reptiles to fossils to dinosaurs to the big bang to the KT Extinction that led to the mass destruction of dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs and their history, I wish they were still here. Sigh.
Moving on, I realized that I lost many friends along the way because of this. I have now become extremely introverted, and by that I mean I like having coffee by myself and reading books, watching documentaries, even following series that I like (not the pathetic love stories and all, ones with stories) like Dexter and Mentalist and of course, Lost. However, I think that there are a lot of people who do not understand me and think of me as someone who has developed an apparent attitude problem, or just want to stay away. Okay, part of being an introvert IS staying away from people (most of the times) and having your own space, but I guess not too many would understand this problem of mine.
Another thing I’ve started to hate is gatherings. A lot of mixing and gelling, and partying really tires me. It drains my energy when I have to talk to people and laugh on things I don’t want to laugh on. I don’t understand how people can laugh so much; when I was younger I would laugh at just about anything. Now, with a set of responsibilities and a life that you have to make (plan for the future and all that), it just doesn’t come to me naturally. I love to chill with my friends who talk intense conversations and all, but the dragged conversations and pointless laughter at things not even funny, it just starts to piss me off.
I don’t know if this is good or bad, but this is just ME. I like writing. I like listening to music and reading poetry, and reading about the famous speeches of the world’s leaders. Those are the kinds of things that would really be worth remembering in this world, and of this world. Why don’t people want to learn about these set of ideas and this history anymore? Why do I feel that I’m the only one who wants to explore countries for their historical buildings and museums, and people just want to take selfies along the lake and go to bars and party with random girls and guys? Why has the world become so self-centered and fake?
As I sit at work right now with my cup of tea and a lot of texts from friends saying ‘I’ve changed, I’m a mean person, I don’t see them, I miss you a lot, etc’, I realize that I love my friends but I need my own space most of the time. I guess you can’t really take the two along, and along tags the Ambivert in me, that has to be ‘forcefully social’ to keep up with the rest of the lot.
Sometimes I wonder if people around me can be kept happy with my presence or not. It makes me wonder if I can keep up with their jokes, useless ranting, going out, being social, and just talking about things not even necessary to talk about, rendered useless in my mind. At social gatherings, I prefer to explore things and even play around with my glass of water and take weird pictures of architecture while my friends socialize with people and get them to talk and even end up becoming friends. I don’t have the energy to do that with people I can’t talk about ‘life’ with.
I miss my social self sometimes. I was open to all and so damn frank, you wouldn’t recognize me 5 years back. I would be seen at every nook and corner of town, at every party, and everyone knew who Sana Gilani was. Not anymore, though. I prefer keeping my life and me to myself, and I write music and poetry in my free time. I like the silence, the solitude has become my best friend.
I don’t expect anyone to understand these things about me, and it’s perfectly okay that they don’t. I just want my true friends to know that I am this person, and that I cannot change anymore. If they love me, well and good. If they don’t, well, I have my books and my documentaries to keep me company. You see, for an introvert, it just doesn’t matter.
“Of all the times I kept apart,
of all the things that I gave up,
I realized that I am this person,
who will never need anything too much.”