Every Night Before Bed.

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I didn’t know it was going to be that hard to sit at home and have fun. Time flew by, and I stared at doors opening and closing due to the wind pressure on rainy days. I looked out the windows at people who walked by, people who had other people coming over and kids playing near my window, always making a lot of noise. Although I enjoyed it in my solitude days because the sound of kids helps me feel calm and relaxed, this time around it just seemed to make me feel lonely. I wanted to go out and play with those kids. But you’re too old for that now, I would tell myself. Going to sleep was the only option, and I went to sleep every morning, every afternoon, every evening, and then at night there was nothing to do except sleep. So sleep it is, I’d say to myself as I wrapped myself up under the sheets every night. Maybe a book would help me feel better…yes, certainly; reading about ghosts in the middle of the night has always been my favorite thing to do.
Sudden panic attacks in the middle of the night. Eyes opened, looking around. Check my phone, no messages. Feel a little sad. Think maybe everyone’s busy with their lives. Yes, that is it. I’m sure someone misses me at least…Back to bed now, missy. Get back into bed and try to sleep. Cannot. Look at the clock ticking. Think to myself, what is life. What’s our purpose in life? Why does a clock tick? Why does time pass by so soon? All those irrelevant questions that your mind starts thinking of and you cannot even fathom the idea of sleep. Yes it happens every night, the panic attack. The feeling that no one’s nearby; the sense of insecurity and the lonely nights.
Sometimes I get out of bed and listen to music. Just sometimes. One of those lonely nights when I can’t get something out of my head and I need some time to myself and to delve in my sorrow and just sing along. This is one of those nights. Oh, but they aren’t very rare. I would be lying if I said they were rare. What’s the reason of this lonely and empty feeling that resides within me? Why does the darkness remain. Someone please, please take it away. I want it to fade away like my sorrows, slowly but eventually.
Looking up at the sky, yes. I love it. I love the night sky. Its so beautiful. Like a poem written with a lot of love and doves flying in couples, kissing and holding each other. Listening to each other, talking to each other, just out of love. Love is in the night sky every night. And just for a moment, I forget about all my problems and enjoy God’s beauty, up in the skies, the beautiful night skies. They tell me that the world is beautiful, look at them through these night eyes… although I wake up every morning and have to go through this experience over and over again, to appreciate beauty and love once more. Every night, it happens, but every night, I go to sleep peacefully thinking of those doves in love and the beautiful stars shining at me. I see you in there too, nana abbu. I know you look at me too.
Wiping the tears off my eyes, I get into bed once again. This has been a long night. I should stop thinking so much, I say to myself. I put my books aside and clean up the bed so I can make space for myself. I like everything neat and clean before I go to bed. Fidgety as I am, I get out of bed to put a few clothes dropped on the floor, into the closet. I fold them up neatly and put them in the drawers. Everything’s done now, I can finally relax. I get into bed. The phone rings. Someone misses me atleast. I’m happy. Life is beautiful. I smile to myself. There’s something to appreciate other than the beautiful night sky afterall.

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