The One. Such a daunting word, isn’t it? I mean being with the ‘right’ person at the ‘right’ time and the ‘right’ moments, how do we know exactly what’s right and what isn’t? And moreover, how do we get it to stay that way forever?
Life is but a series of complications, and it will always be a test. Love also falls into such a test: of time, patience, spirits, tolerance, emotions, strength, everything. Unconditional happiness and good health, are just a few of the things that come from love. And loving the person who loves on the same level. And what comes of a toxic relationship; separation/breaking up in love? It keeps you from true happiness, from experiencing the best of what you could be feeling, from taking life as an adventure, from enjoying the most littlest of moments.
When you’re around that person, you are yourself. You are free, you are free to express yourself and say what’s on your mind, not afraid of being judged, and not even being judged in the end. You want him in your deepest, darkest moments. Yes, that partner, you want to share your highs, and your lows at the same time. It builds an emotional bond beyond all measures, beyond any limitations of right and wrong, it brings two people closest, that mental connection, the emotional attachment.
You can be away all you want, but you will never like it, not even one bit. You compromise on each other’s dreams, you compromise on alot of things together, you accept each other for who you both truly are. You never impose, you never enforce. And growing and changing is a part of life, but you want to experience that feeling with the person you love. And grow and change together, and be there for each other. Always.
And everyday, just about everyday, you thank God for the blessing that you have in your life, and that you are so lucky to have found that much needed love, the one you were deprived of, for reasons. The thing that you most wanted out of life, and deprived of it, and you got it, and it’s not yours to keep.
So love…a blessing or a curse?
Predicting life, is never easy. And well, if it’s predictable, it isn’t really life for starters. So I learnt to go with the flow. I learnt that not everything you want, you can have. I learnt that patience, does wonders. I learnt that I have to keep on going, because at most of the points, you don’t have any other choice. And the most fatal truth of life: You cannot control how another person feels. Feelings for people change with time, or with circumstances, or any other reasoning that they wish to give. You cannot control feelings. You might be able to control alot of other things ( by having your way, for some of the girls I know who are of a dominating nature ) but you cannot control feelings. And that’s where you are helpless, and patience is all you have then. And God.
I believe, love also starts out with a spark, like many of the things you discover in your life. Like your favourite hobby, or your favourite person, or a tv actor that you really really like, everything happens with a spark. A spark is any activity that unleashes your joy and energy, and you can do it for a very, very long time.
If I go a bit biological, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and security.
So yes, based on this research, if love fades away with time, then it wasn’t really love in the first place. Or even if it was, something didn’t make it stay, or it didn’t have the same passion and strength it had in the very beginning. Love is like a bicycle with two tyres, or a car with four wheels. Take any example, both people have to make it work together. In a car the man is two wheels, and a woman is two wheels. In a bicycle, a woman is one wheel, the man the other. If any of the tyres stops working, or stops going forward, or stops altogether, the machine won’t work. But why are there so many complications in love, when infact, it should be as simple and as plain as ‘LOVE’. That’s it. No complications. Why can’t we have that feeling?
Maybe, people do. Maybe it’s a bit harder in our part of the society. Where girls have to get married at an early age, insecure and gone through immense experiences of joy, hatred, love and passion at the same time, and a tragic end to it all; getting married to someone completely new, someone you have no idea about.
Let’s not get into details over it. It is a long and detailed conversation, and I could go on for days, calling this ‘institution of love’ a fraud and declaring it as only a means for having two people to fulfil their desires, and that too only ‘for a while’, until they’re completely bored of their monotonous lives and bored of each other later on.
Coming back to love being a curse. Did you know there any many types of love out there?
Unlike us, the ancients did not lump all the various emotions that we label “love” under the one word. They had several variations, including:
Philia which they saw as a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other in battle. Ludus describes a more playful affection found in fooling around or flirting. Pragma is the mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term couples and involves actively practising goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding. Agape is a more generalised love, it’s not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity. Philautia is self love, which isn’t as selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist will tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about yourself. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros is about sexual passion and desire. Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma, eros will burn itself out.
Yes, I did my research. So we now have an answer to why love fades away. But then again, those aren’t the only reasons. What about the love that was so passionate and desirous, but burned itself out due to social circumstances. Or personal problems? What about that. Yes, there are such instances as well. But then, why does love occur to such people in the first place? Ha. Because we have no control over love, or whatever that feeling of being with someone is. We cannot force ourselves to NOT like someone, or force ourselves to like someone (maybe in arranged marriages, girls and boys have to, though), and I guess it works. Or whatever.
Love just confuses. Love confuses, then ignites a fire. It burns your insides, and you want to be burnt head to toe. You want to be consumed in this fire of love, and passion, and desire. You want to remain in it till there remain only ashes of what you once were. It leads you to your own doom, and yet it sets your soul free. But if you cannot have the one you love, what good is love? Then it is nothing but a tragic end, it takes away all your happiness, and gives you sleepless nights. It makes you lose your appetite, you don’t want to concentrate on anything, you are broken, shattered inside. It takes a long time to heal, so why do people love to love so much?
For that one moment, of liberation and freedom. For those moments of happiness, which are beyond a hundred years of sorrow, and self inflicted agony. Love is a passionate commitment, Love drives all the great stories in the world, love is the backbone of everything and everyone.
What love is, depends on where you are in relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as necessary as air…. you exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it can feel like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain.
Love is the driver for all great stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for child, for family, for country. It is the point before consummation of it that fascinates: what separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way. It is usually at those points that love is everything.
Love is in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love’s the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold, and there is nothing in the world that LOVE cannot face.
To be rejected by someone we love and have developed a romantic bond with has been compared to the experience of sufferring withdrawls from Cocaine, including all the driving cravings that come with it. If these cravings of withdrawl extend beyond average or normal boundaries, which can happen sometimes when feelings are extremely painful and we lose any control over them and/or our behaviors, people are driven to stalking sometimes or again various levels of depression and sometimes suicide.
So this is the blessing of love, that we so want in our lives? This is what love does to human beings, it kills them inside. So why wouldn’t I call it a curse. And yet, it is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to anyone. It is a beautiful curse in itself, that we long to be loved, and give love in return, knowing that nothing lasts forever, and that the levels of high are going to normalize pretty soon too. Yet we yearn for that affection, for the long conversations and the expressions and emotions.
So if you feel the spark, go for it. But keep in mind, that you might not love the after effects. Then again, who really cares about that. When you’re in love, you see nothing else. And your soul, knows no boundaries. And you experience perhaps the best feeling that could have ever existed inside of you.